Why should I set an alarm clock if I’ll turn it off and continue sleeping anyway? Unhealthy lifestyle and so on. It doesn’t matter after all. Without any work to do, without any purpose and/or reason, the mysterious force that should drive me out of my bed just won’t appear. I had set it anyway. 10 am. Let there be those eight hours. I had finally decided to go to sleep after a half-night spent without a goal but with many means of primitive joy, trying to believe that I might fall asleep sooner than after another two hours.
Everything happened as expected. Pleasant sounds of sea and whales in doubtful quality of a cellphone repro woke me up at 10 am. After a short period of nictitating, I successfully found the place to slap my finger at, making the alarm go silent. I never really understood the snooze button. Or maybe I did, I can imagine its purpose, maybe it’s only my curse, not to be able to fall asleep after I’ve awaken knowing that I have to get up. So I simply never needed it and it just stood in my way.
Only a couple of seconds was all I needed to fall asleep again. I sleep the best in the late morning. Great dream about a yellow Camaro, from which I woke up rather unwillingly. But it had to come. The clock showing quarter to twelve and my stomach’s rumbling made me get up. A session of boggling around the apartment, dropping some clothes and getting other on, some morning hygiene and voilá, new man ready to face the world. First I had to face a pepperoni pizza, there’s nothing better for brunch. Plus quality Ceylon tea with homemade honey, awesome. Thank god for the toothpaste that makes the mirror freeze just like in the ad.
I felt that I have to do something this time, something that would have some meaning for my life. Nevertheless, I started by connecting my umbilical cord to the infinite, so much better world of global network. Naturally, no-one wrote me any e-mails nor anything else. The weather forecast forecasted weather. The news said that the icebergs don’t melt. That caught my attention.
Did the world finally start to realize, that none of it matters? Regardless the fact, that global warming as described by media, politics and ‘stars’ doesn’t exist, I still don’t get what everyone is so concerned about. It will all… something happen at the end. It has always been that way. Oxygen used to be poisonous and hey, here we are breathing it. Maybe we learn how to photosynthesize if the level of carbon dioxide rises. Hehe. My mind was full of thoughts about our incapability of destroying the planet, or if we could destroy it, aren’t we supposed to do so then? When there’s an option... And God said... But that’s another story and quite boring one.
Routine ended, the internet didn’t offer anything interesting enough and the world has to save itself by its own again. Cell ringtone woke me up from deep pondering about the wonderful ass of the girl on my wallpaper. Someone misses me? Oh come on. But nobody came on, someone really did miss me. A redhead, petite, shaped just the way she should be, maybe a little too young for me, but smart and that counts. And she wanted my attention.
“Hi Sam, what’s wrong with you?”
There was something wrong with me? I realized the very moment. I only had one cup of tea so far, so me voice sounded like a Black & Dekker ad.
“Nothing, just dry throat,” I cleared my throat, “what do you need?”
She hesitated for a moment, as it wasn’t obvious she wasn’t calling me out of pure love.
“Well, you know… The power went out and it did something to the router or whatever, the internet won’t work… Are you up to something today? Could you come by? I’d make you a hot chocolate.”
Obtrusively nice voice, that girl knew what works on me.
“Alright. I supposed you won’t run anywhere, so expect me in an hour or maybe three.”
“One will be just enough. Thanks, see ya,” suddenly she became uninterested in chatting.
“Yeah, see ya, take care.”
It was about one million degrees of any science guy outside. I would have gone barefoot, but some smart policeman might think I’m not at where I belong and that would be unfortunate. Walking over a half of the city was truly romantic, but it just wasn’t it. Yeah, I missed her. The one true love of my life. Four wheels, some horses under the hood, comfortable seats and luxury stereo. My life, my everything. Just one evening, one big smash and I don’t even have a commemorative photo now. But that didn’t matter anymore.
I was zigzagging through side alleys and parks to find more shadow. I wasn’t really successful, so I got all sweaty anyway. They say it’s sexy, so be it. The city reminded me I should go out from time to time. There were so many people everywhere, so many colors, ages, classes and smells. I was getting uncertain whether I suffer from agoraphobia or not. Luckily nobody cared about me, so I sailed to my destination unharmed.
A beautiful old building, I used to live in one that looked alike. Short doorbell ring was all that was needed for the buzzer to buzz and the door to unlock. Several ways I could use this in some parallel universe crossed my mind. Young, trusting miss... I learned to not be afraid of such thoughts. We’re all just little animals and I’m sure that if god didn’t want me to think about that, I wouldn’t.
The elevator smoothly brought me a few meters above the ground, where stood a smiling angel waiting for me next to an open apartment door. She was holding a huge mug with something suspicious inside and wearing only an undershirt and shorts. I got a sudden urge to smash that mug on her head. Like the heat wasn’t enough, she had to be leaning against the doorway in naturally seductive pose with her bare feet weirdly twisted one into another. Her hair was gracefully flowing in the draft made by a silently whirring fan. Got to get one of those too.
I suppressed all my animal desires and started to stroll towards the secrets of a women’s lair with a friendly expression on my face.
“Hey, want something to drink?” How obligatory.
“Hi. No, thanks, maybe later.” She scuttled somewhere inside, leaving me in the middle of a fight with my shoe laces.
“Did you hear about it?” she yelled louder than necessary, so I lost my balance due to the shock and almost landed on my bottom.
“No, what is it now?” I responded in the same enjoyable level. I was sure what I should have heard about. Somewhere someone killed some other one or himself, or more people, or this politician said something to that politician or received a box which exploded or secured a happy ever after for his grandchildren. Media are going insane. Nothing for phlegmatic aliens such as myself. Still I felt it’s something that I should be interested in. I sort of wanted it to be interesting.
She was sitting on her couch, holding a magazine and hypnotizing a picture in it.
“They say someone kidnapped some orphans or something, somewhere abroad,” she said and raised her eyes. She seemed troubled by the fact, that it didn’t trouble her much.
“Some orphanage, terrible conditions, children of some drug addicts and other individuals of that sort, people that got killed or their children taken away.”
She sipped from the mug, turned her face into a crooked grin, placed the mug on the furthest end of the coffee table and continued, “It’s all some weird stuff. The cops were called by some old grandma who happened to see it. There were some nurses or sort of but they stood aside or something. Oh and they took just some little guys who can’t even speak yet and treated them strangely nice.”
A couple of thoughts ran through my head, some of them about the word ‘some’, and I quickly made an image of the situation. Just like a movie.
“It’s pretty obvious. Poor kids if they find them. I’d bet it’s a hellofa job. Complicated organization. See, this party of some childless moneybags met with that party of some gangster wannabes and they went to do some adoption, which the country didn’t care to do. There can’t be anything more peaceful into it. I guess the people from the orphanage got some shut up money, the only problem was the grandma.”
She looked at me with one of her eyebrows lifted.
“Whatever, the cops are already on their trail. They’d find out anyway.”
“They would, but the kidnappers would have some more time to disappear even if it was discovered soon enough for the nurses to not be suspected.”
“That didn’t cross my mind at all, aren’t you brainy today?”
Yeah I am and I love making people feel like idiots so they won’t like me. It’s really great, try it too. The wave of sarcasm burned across my head fast, luckily. So I held on the classical touched “hm” and better checked her clothes again, just to be sure.
Not even her charms could keep my attention. I had a new strange aspect of the world to think about. So is there actually a God who took care of those children and gave them better life? So they don’t have to lick the wounds that were left behind by their parents, who they don’t even know? But what if they’ll find them? They’re gonna end up on the same battlefield they never deserved. And it will be celebrated. How the hell am I supposed to know, what’s wrong and what’s right? Or am I wrong about it all? Probably so.
I couldn’t tell how long I was sitting speechless, but my brain probably started to melt and boil off, because she offered and instantly handed me a cooled coke.
“Could you check the net stuff? Please?”
“Sure babe,” I answered and smacked her fine ass while lifting my own from the couch. She was in a good mood, so she responded with a sexy rawr. Bad ideas found their way to the surface, again. If only that game wasn’t just a game and she understood what I wished she would mean to me. Or what she already meant. I didn’t want to get attached to her, but that was one of those things I couldn’t completely control. I can’t say I was in love with her, she was just a weakness. A fucking big weakness. I knew it couldn’t end well. If it could, it would have already happened by then. I was just stretching the time with a glimpse of hope. She always appeared to be a close friend and some impulses told me it’s the only thing she was ever going to be. The worst part was the fight of reality against intentional naivety. I still had hope, I almost believed it, yet I knew there was no point. I was in her hands to play with and I didn’t fight back, all the time and always again. Oh God, you idiot.
Back down on planet Earth, I was fiddling with the router settings. That mess definitely wasn’t created by a blackout, but who gives a damn. I did some of my magic tricks and after one or two minutes, a happy yipping made me sure it worked.
I sat down on the couch timidly and began to examine the cracks on the wall while she was focused on surfing the net and fulfilling her duties of a 21st century citizen. She realized.
“Sorry… While you’re here, I wanted to ask: you’re not getting up early tomorrow, are you?”
“Not even the day after, how much of what should I bring?”
The unsaid question was crystal clear. I’d go to the edge of the universe to a party, just to keep myself entertained. She smiled widely.
“Whatever you want, just to keep yourself wet and running. Oh and something for the barbecue. At eight at the house of the Two, OK?”
If only there was someone to keep me company…
I stayed for a little longer, we discussed the questions of life, universe and everything, more like nothing actually. When there was nothing left undiscussed and the weather outside started to appear more survivable, I got up to leave. No goodbyes kiss of course. Bye then.
The door behind me was closed before the elevator arrived. She’s so beautifully nice sometimes. But if I blamed her, I’d be the bad guy. Because potato. My brain was flowing somewhere in the ocean of disgust and the door gallantly implied I should board. The very moment I made my first step, a lightning struck somewhere nearby. Did anyone say anything about barbecue? Sarcasm made itself comfortable in my skull again. A sudden loud downpour ensued, accompanied by silent whir of the elevator’s engine and I peacefully descend by one floor.
A bang so loud my eyes darkened echoed around me. Or maybe my eyes didn’t darken, more like flashed and then the power went out. I felt my mood getting better. Just that kind of awesome adventure I always wanted. That idea seemed funny for a moment. A second bang. Lightning never strikes the same place twice, right? This idea didn’t make the moment, I wasn’t given even a single second to think about it, all I felt was how I’m beginning to fall down.
All I could hear was creaking and my own voice saying: “So this is how I die? Great…”
I always though I couldn’t die. I must first leave something behind. A guy like me. Maybe a little big-headed psychopath, but I’m smart, I have the potential, I believe in it. But at that moment, I probably was dead. It sounds like a cliché, what they say in the movies, that you see your whole life before you die. But it’s not a cliché. Some time ago I was close enough to death to see it. Now I saw it all again. The sweet memories from my childhood, my family, friends long gone and the current too, all the good times with girls… It flashed before me with the speed of the lightning that killed me and suddenly I knew what to do with my life. Too bad, too late.
“Open your eyes Samuel,” a voice said.
That was kinda disturbing. The voice was strange, not male nor female, not high nor low. But my ears were ringing, so that must have been it I figured. Opening my eyes wasn’t such a good idea, I immediately got slapped by sharp light, from which there was no escape.
“Do not be afraid, it will pass.”
A thousand blinks and indeed, it has passed. I didn’t really expect to be floating in milk. I could breath, but that didn’t stop me from panicking.
“Where am I? What happened? Who’s there?” my voice was surprisingly strong.
“On the path. You fell. Me, you, everything?”
I must have hurt my head and end up on psychiatry, that’s it.
“No you did not.”
“Ok, that was creepy, I didn’t say that out loud.”
“You did not have to. Inhale… Can you hear the silence? Is it not beautiful? Your last question is more interesting than the other two. I ask it myself from time to time. The answer is not simple. I am you, inside you, around you, I protect you but I am not your living part. I am everything else, I am inside of everyone but also outside, I look after everyone and everything.”
“I have always found this name interesting. ‘So God created mankind in his own image…’ Curious idea. I do not know what my image looks like,” the voice paused thoughtfully, “no, definitely not as ugly as you are.”
“Someone’s being funny here… Why can’t I see you? The light hurts my eyes.”
I didn’t have to finish the sentence. Out of nowhere, right before my eyes, a body appeared. A female body, long legs, perfect curves, raven hair disappearing in the white mist around. And she was naked.
“Oh… Really? Seriously? You’re a women?”
“No, I told you before what I am. You want me to look like this, so I look like this,” she sounded slightly offended.
“So you can be anything?”
“I am anything.”
Okay, let’s try it another way…
I tried to grab to situation more rationally: “ok, why am I here? Why are you talking to me?”
“Because you have a lot of questions and I was in the mood to answer you. As long as I know the answers of course.”
“Isn’t the God, what’s the word, omniscient?”
“Oh come on, would you want to know everything?”
“But you said you are everything,” I replied in confusion.
“Yes, but that is something different. I do not know the world, I feel it. Just as you feel your heart when you are in love.”
“Awesome analogy, but I’m not…”
“No one said that,” she interrupted me, “ask already.”
“OK,” I took a moment to think, “what am I doing wrong in my life?”
“Whoa. You are doing a lot of things wrong, I am not going to enumerate them. If you think that your life is somehow especially wrong, that you are special yourself and you need special care, then I am going to disappoint you. You are simply naïve.”
That was painful and relieving at the same time, weird feeling.
“Something else then, in regard to the things I was thinking about recently… Is she worth it?”
“You know for a long time that she is not. But play and learn, you have time. She will come.”
Her gaze implied we both knew that question wasn’t necessary. Nothing more to discuss about the redhead. Time to stop being selfish and take it to a wider range, to something I have already been thinking about that day.
“What about all the global problems? The climate, famines, catastrophes and such?”
“That simply happens. Changes are needed, the rainforest burns for a new one to rise from its ashes. Although, truth be told, you are a bit over your head with the climate changes. There are some, of course. Since the very beginning of time, the forest analogy, analyze yourself. But insisting that a few billions of dumb people can change it, that way or another… Do you not overestimate yourselves? The planet will destroy you before you destroy it. No hard feelings.”
“That’s fine, I’m fine with it, I actually like this answer.”
I couldn’t let my eyes go of the body.
“Do you like it?”
“It is your ideal of beauty, you should like it. Maybe you will meet a girl like this someday and maybe she will be a twisted beast just the way you like it. But do not hurt each other while you are doing it please.”
Are we really talking about sex?
“Yes. Do not be ashamed of what you are. You know what and with whom you like and you are not ashamed. You are one of a few. Other fools still believe they are being judged for their sinful thoughts, that they happened to be little lustful animals by accident… Your only goal is to multiply and multiply and have lots of fun doing it, so what is there to be ashamed of?”
I liked the girl more and more with every moment, I almost forgot who I was speaking with.
“Anyway, back to the world trouble, I have a simple question of grave importance: why are people evil and why do they hurt and kill?”
“Can you imagine how boring it would be if there was nothing to frighten or excite us, or frighten by how much it excites us? You did not invent murder. It is everywhere. The smell of blood, violence, rape and lust from so called evil, that is what makes life what it is. Killing for meal is the very same thing, just more beneficial. By the way, send my greetings to vegetarians, the natural selection is waiting for them. This silliness really made me laugh.”
Bloodthirsty bitch with a morbid sense of humor, better and better.
“Oh come on, I can be nice too. You can feel the aura of luck around you, can you not? You are successful in everything that really matters. And I am sorry for the car, but I had to add some whip to all the sugar. I am just like the world and people in it, I am no different.”
She is me, herself and everything. I started to get it. It is us who make her whole.
“You were right with the orphans,” she continued, “as you can see, nothing is painted in black and white. That makes the evil so important, without it, there would be no good. They exist beside and against each other, so why should they not merge? You are not a saint, I know your darkest thoughts. But you think of yourself as a good person and that makes you a good person. Simple as that.”
“If you know all my thoughts, you know I don’t believe in you. Doesn’t that offend you?”
“Why should it? I am and I am not, regardless anyone’s believes. What is really the difference between believing and knowing? You all know so little, you just believe in everything… Look at all the holy texts of all the churches. Some people call it facts, but it was all written by another person who knew nothing more than they do. As I see it, you make yourselves look like idiots because of your beliefs in a lot of things. Why do you take everything so literally? You have your heart, you feel what you have to do, act according to that and your purpose will be fulfilled. Churches, why? People are units, they should focus on themselves and what pushes them forwards.”
She let me think about it while burning me down with her gaze. She didn’t blink once. That wasn’t sexy.
“People are units? I don’t really get this part.”
“You understand it very well, you have always been following this belief. You aim for your goals, your personal happiness and even if you consider it selfish, therefore wrong, it is the only right path. You have your time here, there will not be any fun once it is up. Why do you think you are alive?”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what my opinion was or what I learned. I guess I should do something for the society during my life, leave something behind and push mankind a little higher, right?
“Wrong. Or maybe right, if you enjoy doing it. As I said, it is your time, only yours to live, you must give everything so that you can stop at the end and think: that was fun, now I can rest.”
“But what about the others?”
“Screw them if you want to. Their goal is the same as yours, so they should screw you and live. The screwing is never so hot, it is a form of interaction, and you cannot avoid it. So do not be afraid for your clear conscience, you will always end up helping someone with something.”
I didn’t feel like I believe her who she is anymore, this sounded a lot like me. Or was this the ‘image of himself’?
When it’s every man for himself, every animal and plant too I guess, what about the world? My brain started to boil again. We all go on while constructing the whole master craft without even knowing it. Life, Earth, the universe, everything…
“I have a last question,” I paused theatrically, “what’s the point of everything?”
She smiled, “I don’t know.”
I woke up in a hospital exactly a month after the fall. A few broken bones, bruises, brain concussion. Life threat was gone fast. I just couldn’t get rid of the feeling that I had some very strange dream…